Worst Movie Ever….Take Three

There are some bad horror movies, we all know this. I mean, some really bad, horrible, makes you want to ask why this was even produced kind of terrible. Sometimes that can be a good thing…..most times though, not so much. So keeping in the spirit of the previous postings of horrible horror movies you might want to avoid (unless you have nothing else to do), here are more to add to your list.

Zombie Nation (2004)

For some reason, I seemed to be hitting all the wrong notes when it came to watching horror movies lately and Zombie Nation was one of the worst ones I came across. It was late, I was bored, I don’t usually go for zombie movies, but as a horror fan, I decided to give it a shout. Zombie Nation deals with an insane cop who has a thing for stopping women traveling alone, brings them to an abandoned warehouse under false arrest, and then leaving with a body-sized duffel bag. Oh, yea, he has a partner that he tells to stay in the car. This movie was so bad, my Netflix shut it off for me in the middle of it. My Ipad has never done that before, so yea…..it was bad. Zombies can either be done right or not at all and director Ulli Lommel got it all wrong. The set was done half-assed, it gave the impression that the entire movie was shot in one building….and you could tell. The “police station” was, again, a warehouse with visible pipes and an open ceiling. Really, Lommel, really? The acting wasn’t quite atrocious, but it was close. The only actors I thought were worth their paychecks were the “voodoo priestesses” helping the zombies get their revenge. That’s right….helping the zombies. Moving on to the zombies and the heart of this story, let’s get one thing perfectly clear. Heavy black eye makeup does not make a zombie. Speaking in complete, lucid sentences also does not make a zombie. Have you seen Warm Bodies, Lommel? Maybe you should, some pointers for your next film might help you.

Axed (2012)

I wanted to like this movie more than I did. The premise was interesting, a man losing his job and in turn loses his mind, turning against his family. As much as the plot had potential, Axed was quite boring. There were some disturbing parts to it, such as when the father bought his daughter lingerie……ew. It was a rather average movie overall, no big scares, not a lot of blood as you would probably expect from a father gone nuts.  #icant

Camp Hell aka Camp Hope (2010)

Slowest moving movie I have ever seen. You have your predictable asinine religious zealots who probably have good intentions, but come off just straight dickish. Don’t look for anything remotely intelligent in this movie, don’t look for anything funny, amusing or even interesting. The camp is attended by the children of a cult of Christians, looking to teach their kids about the dangers of premarital sex and the Devil. Despite the interesting environment, the movie does nothing with the plot. It tries really hard to be a psychological horror, but this isn’t Identity and will never be.

Self Storage (2013)

Skip this completely. Don’t get me wrong, I love both Eric Roberts and Michael Berryman, but quite frankly, I’m starting to think that Berryman is just taking anything that comes his way and he is so much better than that. Self Storage is a rather pathetic attempt to scare people with a urban legend/serial killer/watch-yourself-at-night-because-someone-wants-your-organs plot that falls horribly flat. To give you a rundown, slacker Jake, a watchman at a storage facility, decides to throw a party because he thinks his boss is going to fire him. What he’s not aware of (and he will be soon) is that his boss is a nut job, killing people for their organs to sell on the black market. Self Storage would have been ok if it wasn’t for the unnecessary bad acting and boob shots.  And don’t get me started me on the terrible soundtrack. Loud rock music does not improve a movie. Self Storage could have been a good movie. With more time given to writing and directing it, it would have been so much better than what it turned out to be. Don’t add this one to your watchlist. I took this off my Letterboxd and Netflix lists as soon as I could. The cover art for this is more interesting.

Scream factor: Nope.

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